I am not who you think I am - Final Edit

“I am not who you think I am.”

Profile Feature by Emma Blight

If you have been as glued to ‘Hollyoaks’ as we have been recently there will have been one story line you will have not missed. Newcomer Jasmine Costello, aged 16 has recently rocked the ‘Oaks by revealing she wants to be a boy.

The storyline followed Jasmines struggle to be accepted as her male alter-ego, Jason, by her close family, boyfriend and even herself. Now living as a male, Jason gives his family no choice but to accept the change and help make his transition from male to female as smooth as possible.

But this is not a story so far-fetched from real-live. There are an estimated 5,000 recognised transgenders in the UK alone, but this may not be the true number. Due to the high discrimination rates, it is common for people to keep their gender identity a secret.

Ryan Gingell, 21, is not one of those keeping quiet. He had a happy childhood, but couldn’t help but feeling different. It wasn’t until he turned 19 that he realised it was time to do something about it, which would change the way he lived his life forever.

In fact, Ryan was not born as Ryan at all. He was born as a female, but after discovering his desire to make the transition from female to male, he now lives his live as a transboy in Brighton.

Transwho?

Transgender’s are perhaps the most misunderstood cultures in the world. To someone who hasn’t experienced or had contact with someone who is living as a different gender the question would be “How on earth can you decide you want to be a different sex?”

 “Being transgender means that your sex does not align with your gender. So you can be assigned female at birth but how you feel about yourself whether it be masculine, feminine or neither, does not match. Some say it's like being born in the wrong body. Like having a male brain but female body or vice versa,” explains Ryan. “Transgender also encompasses identities such as genderqueer, bi-gender, genderless etc, which means that some people just don't identify as either male or female so remain, some could say, as androgynous.”

“Being a trans boy means that I was born with a female body but I do not feel female and have never felt female. It means that although I was brought up and socialised as female, I do not wish to live as female therefore I am medically transitioning to become and be recognised as male, using Testosterone and at some point I will have top surgery so that I will have a male chest.”

Prejudice

Ryan reflects on his own experiences with not being accepted by family members.
“The majority of my close family don't talk to me. I have no contact with my Grandma or parents, which I thought might happen. They are stubborn and don't like anything they don't understand or which isn’t in a box. I have tried to explain over and over again but there is only so much I can do so I have given up. They are upset because they have effectively lost their daughter but in my mind I was never their daughter... I was their son.”

People living as different genders experience the prejudice the same as people who’s sexuality differs from the majority.

“I am constantly fighting against prejudice. Probably more so now because I have started hormones. I have had many arguments with people regarding my gender. They tell me I'm too feminine to be male, I don't look male enough etc. It's horrible and it knocks me a lot. People just assume I am a butch lesbian. I constantly have to reaffirm my identity to others. Something which I shouldn't have to do.”

It’s not only Ryan who has to deal with the prejudice and exclusion from social groups or even families because of their life choice. Jason also showed signs of a struggle as he came out in ‘Hollyoaks’. In fact, it wasn’t until 2005 that people were able to gain legal recognition for their reassigned gender in the UK. Prior to this they legally had to remain as they were assigned at birth, which is something that could make the acceptance and transition a lot harder.

Just a phase

But how easy is it to discover if this is the right move? It is such a life changing decision that there is no room for regrets once you begin the transition. Ryan explains how he realised it was more than just a phase and he needed to make the change to complete his life.

“It probably wasn't until I was about 19 that I realised for definite that this is what I wanted to do but I had always had feelings of not being quite right through childhood and teen years. Puberty was a key trigger as things were happening that I hated and didn't understand because I figured I was male,” he remembers.

“I think you know it's not a phase when you have crippling dysphoria every day and you want to rip your own skin off to escape your body. I spent a lot of time looking at transmen on Youtube and joined a few forums to talk to other people and found that I was jealous of them and their transition. I also spent a lot of time questioning myself and had other people question me which I think is healthy. It was after doing a lot of research on it and thinking about my childhood that it all made sense and I realised it was not a phase.”

Coming to terms

Making such a huge change in life is not easy. As well as dealing with other people’s misunderstanding of what he was going through, Ryan also had to find ways of dealing with it himself.

“I was completely terrified with dealing with it. It's scary not knowing where to go with it. I felt like I would never be accepted as male. I'd have to come out to all of my friends. Would I lose people? Would people not believe me? I sought counselling with a group in Brighton and just kept talking to other trans people and it really reassured me.”

“I think I repressed it from myself for quite some time. I hid it from a lot of people, my parents in particular. They were the last to find out,” remembers Ryan.

Support

 “My friends have been fantastic. They don't really care what I do as long as I'm happy and I'm sure. A few of them don't really understand it but they don't specifically need to, they just need to accept. It has taken some time and a lot of talking and explaining but most of them have been great. The only difficulty I have is making sure people use the correct pronouns and name. It is difficult for people who have known me for a long time to get their head around, but it just takes a lot of persistence on my part.”

But it’s not just friends who have offered him the help he has needed.

“My best support has probably come from a few of closest friends and from an online support forum called the Queer Youth Network.”

The Queer Youth Network is a UK based organisation for young gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgenders and anyone who is curious. It is almost a support social network running events and message boards for anybody who needs support or just a place to go to feel accepted and socialise with like-minded people.

Progression

“I am five months and one week on Testosterone so I have had a fair amount of changes. My voice has broken, shoulders have gotten broader, I have more muscle, my face has changed slightly, my chest has shrunk and I am hairier,” says Ryan.

But getting medical treatment hasn’t been easy. Ryan explains that he had two options to begin his treatment: NHS or private. NHS treatment can be a very long process and age can also affect the outcome. The first point of call is counselling at a gender identity clinic (GIC).

“GIC appointments have a six month waiting list. You then have several other appointments and counselling before hormones are considered. There are a lot of requirements with the NHS.”

Ryan decided to opt for the private option at this stage.

“I decided to go private because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait another 2 years for hormones. You have to of had of had 3 months counselling and/or be living full time and have changed your name legally. It costs £230 for first appointment and £120 for any appointments after that.”

Next Steps & Regrets

The next step for Ryan will be to undergo Top Surgery, which will give him a male chest, rather than the female structure he was born with.

“I will have a long wait because I have to go through the NHS for this which is a very long process. I will be taking Testosterone for the rest of my life,” explains Ryan.

Ryan is sure this path is the right one for his life and is looking forward to his transition.

“The only regret I have is I should have told my parents sooner and possibly in a different way. But it felt right at the time. I don't regret my transition at all.”

Advice

For anyone feeling like they are in the same position as Ryan, he advises checking out the Queer Youth Network for advice and support.

“Speak to people they trust, check out youth groups that they could attend and possibly seek counselling if they are sure.”

Fact Box – Queer Youth Network

The Queer Youth Network’s mission is to create a united community to support the overall well-being of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Transgender, Intersex, Asexual, Pansexual or anyone struggling with their identity or being accepted.

Co-founder of the network is David Henry. He set up the organisation in 1999 and it has been helping preach equality and gain acceptance for people.

“We aim to help bring out that voice, and if not create one so everybody can be heard and the world can begin accepting that these types of people do exist and they are not monsters, or freaks of nature. They are beautiful and should be accepted just as anyone else,” says David.

They create the opportunity for voices to be heard and give a safe and positive environment for even those who are curious to feel comfortable and find acceptance.

“It’s fantastic to see The Queer Youth Network making a stand where other’s have brushed this issue under the carpet. “ says Angela Brown, parent to a gay teenager.

If you would like some more information or would like to contact the Queer Youth Network then you can visit their website at:

http://www.queeryouth.org.uk/